August 14, 2026

Am I Enough?
Thoughts on abandonment, loneliness & learning my own worth

Nikki Freeman from Obsession

Lately, one question keeps finding its way into my head:
Am I enough?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how easily people seem to walk out of my life. It makes me wonder if I’m the problem, if I care too much, or if there’s something about me that makes people decide they don’t need me anymore.

It started with my friend Matt. We were friends for more than a decade, and then one day, the texts and phone calls just stopped. There wasn’t a big fight or even a goodbye — just silence. To this day, we’re still Facebook friends, which somehow makes it even stranger. He’s still there, but he’s no longer part of my life.

Sometimes I think silence hurts more than an actual goodbye. At least with a goodbye, you know why someone left. When you’re given nothing, your mind starts creating its own answers.

Was I annoying?
Did I do something wrong?
Was I too much?
Was our friendship more important to me than it was to him?

Then I Lost More Than a Job

Then came losing my job in February.

People might look at that and think I simply lost a job, but to me, I lost so much more.

I felt like I lost my family.

I deeply loved the people I worked with. The owner became like another parent to me. Another coworker felt like another mom. I was extremely close with the boss’s daughter and had formed a special bond with her son. These weren’t just coworkers I happened to see every day. They became people I genuinely believed would remain in my life long after the job ended.

But when the job disappeared, most of those relationships disappeared with it.

Six months later, that still hurts.

Watching Life Continue Without Me

I’m still Facebook friends with most of them, and sometimes seeing their pictures is painful. I see them smiling and continuing with their lives. Sometimes I’ll see a picture of the kid, and suddenly all those memories come rushing back.

Social media creates this strange situation where people can leave your life without ever completely disappearing from it. You get to watch people you once considered family continue living their lives without you.

And that’s when my mind starts asking:
What is so terrible about me that people keep leaving?

The Call I Still Hope Will Come

There’s still a part of me that believes one day my phone will light up. Maybe Matt will text me. Maybe someone from my old job will call and ask how I’m doing.

And I’ve wondered what I would say.

Would I smile and say, “I’m fine”?

Or would I finally tell them the truth?

You abandoned me.
You hurt me.
I loved you, and it took me a long time to deal with losing you.

The hardest part about abandonment is grieving people who are still alive. There isn’t a funeral or a final goodbye. You know they’re still out there. They could call. They could text.

They just don’t.

And that’s a very specific kind of loneliness.

“I’m Fine.”

The last six months haven’t been easy. My depression has gotten worse. My anxiety has gotten worse. Yet I’ve gotten pretty good at smiling through it.

Someone asks, “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

Those two words can hide so much.

Sometimes explaining that you’re still hurting over people who left months ago feels impossible. It’s easier to smile, change the subject and pretend everything is okay.

But pretending something doesn’t hurt doesn’t make the pain disappear.

Learning What “Enough” Means

If I ever have children, I hope they never experience this feeling. I hope they never sit alone wondering why somebody didn’t love them enough to stay. I hope they understand something I’m still trying to teach myself:


Someone leaving doesn’t automatically mean there is something wrong with you.

Maybe some people really are only meant to be part of certain chapters of our lives. I don’t particularly like that answer, but I’m slowly learning to accept that it might be true.

I loved these people deeply, and I don’t regret loving them.

I just don’t want their absence to determine how I see myself anymore.

I’m still hurting. I’m still healing. And yes, part of me is probably still hoping that one day the phone will ring.

But maybe healing isn’t forgetting the people who left. Maybe it’s finally being able to remember them without questioning my own worth.

So when that voice inside my head asks:
“Am I enough?”
Maybe I’m finally learning that the answer doesn’t belong to the people who left.
Maybe I need to learn how to be enough for myself.
July 1, 2026

It’s 2:13 a.m.

You know that magical hour when your brain decides now is the perfect time to replay every awkward conversation, every friendship you’ve lost, and every life decision you’ve ever made?

Yeah… welcome to my TED Talk.

Lately, sleep and I have been in a very complicated relationship.

Not because I’m binge-watching another TV show — although… guilty — but because I’m honestly scared of what happens after I close my eyes.

The nightmares.

Some nights they’re so vivid that I wake up wondering if any of it was real. Other nights I don’t even want to fall asleep because I already know who’s waiting for me in my dreams.

The people I lost.

The people who once felt like family.

And somehow my brain keeps hitting the replay button like it’s trying to unlock some secret ending I missed.

Spoiler alert: it never does.


THE “WHAT IF?” GAME

0/10… would not recommend.

I’ve become a professional overthinker.

  • What if I had handled things differently?
  • What if my mental health hadn’t gotten in the way?
  • What if I had asked for help sooner?

What if…

What if…

What if…

It’s exhausting.

The truth is, I know my struggles changed me. They affected relationships that meant everything to me, and that’s a reality I’ve had to learn to accept.

What hurts the most isn’t even that those relationships ended.

It’s that I never really got the chance to explain myself.

I don’t hate them.

Not even close. If anything, I still care about them more than they’ll probably ever realize.

Sometimes I wonder if they ever randomly think about me.

Do I show up in their dreams too?

Or am I just another chapter they’ve already closed while I’m still rereading the pages?


THEN THERE WAS MY “BEST FRIEND”…

Cue the nostalgic montage.

We met at my very first job working at the movie theater.

Back then, life felt simpler.

This was the friend who introduced me to Comic-Con, which honestly became one of my favorite traditions.

Because of him, I got to meet some pretty incredible people:

✨ Lana Parrilla — twice!

✨ Hayden Christensen

✨ Mark-Paul Gosselaar

✨ Amy Jo Johnson

✨ Austin St. John

✨ Jason David Frank

✨ Danielle Fishel

✨ Matt Lanter

✨ Katie Cassidy

And probably a few more that my brain has decided to archive somewhere.

Still waiting for the universe to let me meet Arielle Kebbel and Colton Haynes. Seriously… whenever you’re ready, universe.

Looking back, those weekends weren’t really about celebrities.

They were about friendship.

The road trips. The laughs. The stories we’d tell for years afterward.

Those memories still make me smile.


THEN THE PLOT TWIST HIT.

Years later, after I had started working at the medical office, I found out something that completely blindsided me.

One of his coworkers — someone I actually spent a lot of time hanging out with at Disney Springs — told me that my best friend had been going around telling people I was gay.

Here’s why that hurt.

It wasn’t because of the label itself.

It was because it wasn’t his story to tell.

At that point in my life, I was still figuring myself out.

I hadn’t decided what I wanted to share. I hadn’t even had that conversation with myself yet.

Yet somehow someone else decided to have it for me.

Without asking.

Without thinking.

Without realizing how personal that really was.

I was angry. Really angry.

When I confronted him, he apologized.

He told me he never wanted anything bad to happen to me because he knew I had been struggling with my mental health.

And honestly?

I believed him.

Maybe because I wanted to.

Maybe because that’s what friends do.

Or maybe because when you love people, you become really good at explaining away the things that hurt you.


THE SLOWEST GOODBYE

Then one day…

Nothing.

No texts.

No random memes.

No “Hey, wanna grab dinner?”

Just silence.

It’s funny how friendships don’t always explode.

Sometimes they just quietly fade into the background until one day you realize months have gone by.

“You deserve better.”

“Why do you keep defending him?”

“He keeps canceling on you.”

People at work would say things like that all the time.

And every single time…

I’d make another excuse.

  • Maybe he was busy.
  • Maybe work was stressful.
  • Maybe life got in the way.
  • Maybe he didn’t want to pick me up because I didn’t drive.

Maybe…

Maybe…

Maybe.

Looking back now, I don’t know if any of those reasons were true.

Maybe the hardest lesson adulthood teaches us is that not every ending comes with an explanation.

Sometimes people simply leave.

And you’re left holding a thousand unanswered questions.


SO… WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

Because maybe someone reading this has been there too.

Maybe you’ve spent nights replaying conversations you’ll never get to finish.

Maybe you’ve blamed yourself for things that weren’t entirely your fault.

Maybe you’ve held onto people long after they let go.

If that’s you…

You’re not the only one.

I’m still learning that healing isn’t forgetting.

It’s learning how to carry the memories without letting them carry you.

Some days I get it right.

Some days my brain decides it’s time for another 2 a.m. rerun.

Healing isn’t linear.

Neither is life.

So if my subconscious insists on turning my dreams into a Netflix drama every night…

At least let Season 2 have a happier ending.

Until then…

I’ll keep showing up.

I’ll keep writing.

I’ll keep healing.

And maybe — just maybe — one day the nightmares will finally become memories.

But seriously, subconscious…

Can we throw in a dream where I finally meet Arielle Kebbel and Colton Haynes? I feel like I’ve earned that one. 😂

June 20, 2026

Gratitude, Heartbreak & The People Who Became Family

Sometimes life brings people in exactly when we need them most… and sometimes learning to let go is the hardest part.

Life has a funny little way of dropping people into our story right when we need them most.

Three days after my mom passed away, I was working at T-Mobile, trying to function through a kind of grief I couldn’t even put into words.

Then one ordinary customer interaction quietly changed everything.

I helped a woman and her family upgrade their phones. At the time, it was just another day, another customer, another transaction.

Neither of us knew that moment would eventually become the beginning of a friendship, a job opportunity, and a chapter of my life that would last for years.

The Unexpected Second Chance

A few months later, our paths crossed again.

By then, I had unexpectedly lost my job at T-Mobile. Honestly, looking back, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world considering some of the things happening behind the scenes there — but losing a job is never easy.

I eventually found work at a hair salon school in our local mall. Then, during winter break, she reached out and offered me a chance to help her office with some light records sorting.

Temporary work turned into something much bigger.

She offered me a full-time position.

That was three years ago.

For someone still carrying the weight of losing his mother, they became more than coworkers.

They became family.

Learning As I Went

I didn’t come from a medical background at all.

I was the guy who knew technology, customer service, and how to connect with people. But they believed in me anyway.

They gave me opportunities to learn, grow, and eventually move from being a receptionist into managing provider schedules — something I had absolutely no experience doing.

It was challenging, but I adapted.

I always prided myself on being able to learn quickly.

But then something changed.

When I Started Feeling Different

Around August of 2025, I noticed subtle shifts in my mood.

I was more irritable. More short-tempered. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me suddenly did.

The strange part is that I didn’t fully realize how noticeable it had become until the boss’s daughter brought it to my attention.

I remember feeling shocked.

Embarrassed.

But also grateful.

I had already been thinking about speaking to my doctor because I felt different. I just hadn’t realized everyone else could see it too.

The Pressure, The Stress & The Distance

At first, I convinced myself it was stress from the new responsibilities.

Managing provider schedules wasn’t easy, especially when I was still learning the medical side of things. Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t trained properly in certain areas, and when I had questions, I worried I was bothering people.

The hardest part was feeling like my relationship with the boss’s daughter had changed.

We had been incredibly close. I adored her son and spent so much time around their family that I often joked he was my nephew.

That kid had a way of making me smile no matter what kind of day I was having.

But something felt different.

Maybe it was me.

Maybe it was stress.

Maybe it was everything all at once.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that the people in that office sat me down more than once because they cared.

Not because they wanted to punish me.

Not because they wanted to get rid of me.

Because they genuinely wanted me to be happy.

Valentine’s Day Weekend

Then came Valentine’s Day weekend.

The owner pulled me aside and asked me how I was doing.

Not how work was going.

Not how the schedule looked.

How I was doing.

So I told her the truth.

I told her I was struggling.

I told her my mental health wasn’t in a good place.

I told her I was considering counseling because I felt miserable.

It felt like Groundhog Day.

Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Sit at the computer. Go to bed. Repeat.

Ironically, my birthday is Groundhog Day.

I didn’t have much of a social life.

I didn’t have many close friends.

For years, those people became my social circle, my support system, and my sense of belonging.

When they invited me places, I went.

When they included me, I felt wanted.

For a long time, they filled a space in my life that had existed ever since losing my mom.

That’s why it hurt so much when things started changing.

The Week Off

The owner encouraged me to take a week off since I had barely used any PTO.

She wanted me to focus on myself and look into counseling.

I appreciated it more than she probably knew.

But deep down, I had a feeling I couldn’t shake.

The writing was on the wall.

During that week off, I became convinced my time there was coming to an end.

When I returned, the concerns had shifted.

Apparently, a Google search involving a sexual term had become an issue. In a medical office, I honestly don’t remember the context, but it was likely related to making sure I spelled something correctly.

Then my use of ChatGPT became a concern.

That one caught me off guard.

I wasn’t using it to do my job for me. I was using it because I wasn’t a medical professional.

When patients called, I would take detailed notes and sometimes use ChatGPT to help organize the information into terminology a nurse practitioner would better understand.

I was trying to bridge a knowledge gap.

But by that point, I think part of me already knew where things were headed.

The Day I Left

When I came in that Monday, something inside me had changed.

For the first time in my life, I reached a place where I simply didn’t care anymore.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

The truth?

I cared too much.

I wore sunglasses because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.

I gathered my belongings.

I kept my distance.

I was cold.

And I left.

No proper goodbye.

No hugs.

No final conversation.

Just silence.

For someone who spent his entire life caring deeply about people, it wasn’t who I was.

Almost immediately, I regretted it.

The Apology That Went Unanswered

A week later, the anger was gone.

The hurt remained.

The sadness remained.

Most importantly, the love remained.

I reached out and apologized.

I explained there was no hatred.

No resentment.

No ill will.

I told them I understood why decisions had to be made.

I hoped we could still be friendly.

I hoped we could still occasionally get together.

I hoped that even if I wasn’t work family anymore, maybe I could still be family.

I never received a response.

And that silence has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accept.

Grief Isn’t Always Death

People often assume grief only happens when someone dies.

But that’s not true.

  • Sometimes grief is losing a relationship.
  • Sometimes grief is losing a routine.
  • Sometimes grief is losing a place where you felt like you belonged.

Even now, months later, I still dream about them.

I still replay conversations.

I still wonder if I could have handled that final day differently.

I still carry guilt.

I still miss them.

The hardest lesson I’ve learned?

Closure doesn’t always come from the people we want it from. Sometimes closure has to come from ourselves.

Holding Gratitude & Heartbreak Together

I don’t know if they’ll ever respond.

I don’t know if our paths will ever cross again.

What I do know is this:

For three years, they gave me opportunities when I needed them most.

They believed in me when I doubted myself.

They helped me rebuild after one of the darkest periods of my life.

Despite how things ended, I’ll always be grateful for that.

Maybe that’s what growing up really is.

Learning how to hold gratitude and heartbreak in the same hand.

Learning that people can mean everything to you and still become part of your past.

Learning that sometimes love remains even when the relationship doesn’t.

I miss them.

I probably always will.

But I hope they know that despite my mistakes, despite my cold goodbye, despite everything that happened, I never stopped caring about them.

And I never will.

September 4, 2008
🎵

Currently Jamming To

Britney Spears — “Piece of Me”

📺
Current Mood:
Excited for 90210 next week!

🌟 My 90210 Review

“Da Da Ah…” Yep, that’s the theme for the new 90210 and honestly? I have to give my wonderful review because I thought it was AWESOME. They really showed how us teens are today and I was hooked from the very beginning.

Shenae Grimes did such an amazing job — and did I mention she can sing?! That girl is hiding some serious talent. I was honestly shocked. She completely owned both episodes.

And of course Jennie Garth did amazing too. I still can’t believe Kelly has a kid! I’m pretty convinced the baby’s dad is Brandon Walsh because Brenda mentioned something about Dylan, and Kelly said on the phone that he keeps asking about his dad. The baby’s name is Sammy and if I can find a picture, I’ll post it later.

I also think there might be something going on between Kelly and Ryan Matthews 👀 but we’ll have to wait and see. Honestly, 90210 will probably beat Degrassi by far.

Also… Shenae and Adam Gregory had AMAZING chemistry. Even though Adam was kind of macking on my woman, I’ll address that later. 😂

🌧️ Tropical Storm Fay

In other news since I haven’t updated in awhile, Tropical Storm Fay left some damage here and we actually got flooded outside our house for awhile because the main road to leave our neighborhood was underwater.

It was fun not having to go to school 😂 but now they’re being stupid and not tacking the missed days onto the end of the year.

The first day of school was actually amazing though. I really like all my classes so far and I think I might actually do pretty good this year 😊

💻 New Fansites Coming Soon

I’ve also taken on two brand new fansites that will be coming soon! One of them is already up:

  • 🎤 Carrie Underwood Fansite
  • 🎬 Adam Gregory Fansite — who played Shenae’s love interest on 90210

Adam is pretty new but honestly he’s not that bad of an actor at all. I’ll add the buttons later because I’m probably going to redo all of them anyway. 😂

🎨 New Layout

You can probably tell I also put up a brand new layout celebrating the new 90210! I had to include a picture of Amanda Bynes too because Gundy and I are currently working on my Amanda site.

I’ve honestly been having so many issues with the host over at Mileyweb that I’m kind of giving up… I’ve fought with it for way too long.

💬 Comment away!

“`

August 15, 2008

🎧 Currently Jamming To: Paolo Nutini — “New Shoes”

Current Mood: Excited for 90210

📚 My School Schedule

📝 Period 1: English 3 — Moser

🧸 Period 2: Early Childhood — Lemke

🧸 Period 3: Early Childhood — Lemke

📖 Period 4: Reading — Leffingwell

📐 Period 5: Informal Geometry — Gardiner

🔬 Period 6: Integrated Science 3 — Gayden

💵 Period 7: Econ — Foose

💬 Let me know if we have any classes together!

July 24, 2008
🎵

Currently Listening To

Wake Up America — Miley Cyrus

🙂
Current Mood:
Okay

💿 Miley’s New Album

So if you haven’t already purchased the new Miley Cyrus album, you seriously need to because it ROCKS. 🎶

I’ve been listening to it nonstop lately and I honestly love it.

📚 Currently Reading

I also have to say that I’m reading a really good book called Grace’s Choice by Christy Romano.

So far it’s been really good and I’m enjoying it a lot!

🎨 Brand New Layout

As you can probably tell, we have a wonderful brand new layout up! I really hope everyone enjoys this one as much as I do.

And guess what… I MADE IT! 😄

Yep, I designed this layout myself and I’m actually really proud of it.

So everyone better like it and comment away! 😂

✨ I’ll blog more a little later

July 23, 2008
🎵

Currently Listening To

“All-American Girl” — Carrie Underwood

☁️
Current Mood:
On Cloud 9

💭 The Weirdest Dream Ever

So last night I had a dream about The Learning Tree, but it wasn’t really The Learning Tree — it was called Pirate Preschool. 😂

I was amazed because I saw Ms. Greene back there. Then I went to my elementary school and saw my old reading teacher, Mr. Sapundjieff. I told him how well I’m doing in school and he was really impressed.

I also went to visit Mrs. Staples, who was awesome, and I got to see her daughter Heather. Somehow I ended up taking Heather to Pirate Preschool and guess who I saw? Mrs. Greene!

I thought she had retired, so I went up to her and asked what I could do. She told me to go play football with Dillon. I should have known right there that Dillon was from The Learning Tree.

📞 A Real-Life Twist

Then I woke up to the phone ringing and guess who was calling…? The Learning Tree!

They asked if I could come in from 9 AM to 2 PM on Wednesday or Thursday, and I told them I could come in on Wednesday.

I’m just so psyched to be going back to work!! 🎉

🏥 Hospital Update

In other news, I went to the hospital and Tony is doing a lot better. What’s really sad is that they still haven’t gotten the kids who did this to him. They even know who it is, but the police aren’t doing anything.

His face looks very swollen and he honestly looks nothing like Tony right now. I could barely talk to him because I was in total shock.

I still believe that when everything was happening, Kassadi was there protecting him in some way, and I’m really glad for that. ❤️

📺 Movie Night

I also watched Picture This and loved it!

I definitely suggest watching it or buying it when it comes out on DVD.

📝 Also, people — still take that survey!!!

July 13, 2008
🎵

Currently Listening To

“Celebrity” — Christy Carlson Romano

💔
Current Mood:
Upset

🕊️ Personal Update

So let’s start with the sad news…

I just found out that my brother — or pretty much my brother — was admitted into the hospital after a hate crime incident. After breakfast we’re supposed to go see him.

If people know Kassadi Pullins, it’s her boyfriend. His brain was really badly hurt and I’m only hoping he makes it through. They might have to do more surgery on him.

Please keep him in your thoughts. ❤️

✨ Fansite & TV Talk

Let’s talk about something happier for a second…

Hopefully soon we’ll have a brand new layout! As much as I love this one, CuteNews honestly sucks. 😭 I have to shorten everything I write or it starts stretching outside the layout.

I’m also getting really into Ghost Whisperer lately and I can’t wait for tonight’s episode.

Plus — Shenae Grimes’ new ABC movie: Picture This premieres TONIGHT! 📺

💭 Thank You

Thanks to everyone who gave me warm wishes after losing my job.

I really appreciate it and I just hope things get better for me soon. 😔

📝 SURVEY TIME

1. What do you think of pop princess Britney Spears?
I think she’s doing much better now that she’s getting her life back together.

2. Are you single or taken? If taken, with who and how long?

3. Who is your favorite celebrity?

4. What’s your favorite website to visit?

💬 My Answers

1. I love Britney and I’m really glad she’s getting better.
I think she’s awesome.

2. Single.

3. Amanda Bynes, Miriam McDonald,
Shenae Grimes, Christy Romano, Miley Cyrus, etc etc.

4. My fansites and probably MySpace.com even though I hate it sometimes. 😂



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